Airline Pilots Learn How Not To Talk To Engineers, The Hard Way

Some careers seem to naturally clash, especially when they work for the same company in very different technical roles. Sometimes event he most educated professionals, such as pilots, need a refresher course in proper communication. This holds especially true when talking to the person responsible for keeping the plane in the air, the plane’s mechanic. After every flight, FEDEX pilots must fill out a form, known as a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the plane. The mechanics fix the problem and document the details of their repairs on the form. Sounds pretty straightforward, right? Here are a few actual maintenance problems submitted by pilots (marked with a “P”) and the solutions (marked by an “S”) documented by the maintenance engineers, who by the way have a wickedly sarcastic sense of humor: P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced. P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back order. P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Can’t reproduce problem on the ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That’s what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspect crack in windshield. S: Suspect you’re right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed in cockpit. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. Are you a pilot or aircraft mechanic? Do you have any funny airline stories? Tell us about them in the comments section below and be sure to share this with your friends and family.